NEWSCASTER

This just in. Authorities have issued a statement alerting citizens to the presence of several mysterious costumed beings that have been spotted in the area. Whether they are super heroes, super villians, or just some psychos who skipped thier medication is unknown at this time. They can be distinguished by their strange propenisy to run like airplanes and thier oddly toy-like weaponry. Please consider them armed and dangerous until further notice.

The five girls sit together on a train.

USAGI

I can't believe I'm riding on the same train as THE Aino Minako! And sitting with her! And laughing with her! Hey, now that I think about it, this is a little odd...

MINAKO

(performs Jedi Mind Trick hand wave)

You WILL forget about this for the next thirty or forty episodes.

USAGI

I wuh uh...

(drools)

LUNA

Even if you break her, you don't get to be the real princess.

MINAKO

Damnit.

Morning. Usagi rushes into the kitchen.

USAGI

Where's Papa?

IKUKO

(under breath)

Why should I know where he is? Just because I'm his wife? His wife who he fell in love with becuase I'm fun and cheerful and I think outside the box. So why is he spending all his time with that by-the-book copy editor instead?

USAGI

Mama? Is everything okay?

IKUKO

(cheerful)

Papa's at work! Hurry up! You're going to be late!

Usagi dances around singing C'est La Vie.

KAWABE CHIEKO

I'm the one wih the singing experience. Why do I get stuck with the damn maraca? It isn't fair...

Usagi hurries to catch up to Mamoru, then deliberately bumps into him.

MAMORU

Watch it, Odango Atama!

DIRECTOR

Cut! All references to Odango Atama have just been removed from this show.

SHIBUE JYOJI

But why? It's a classic!

DIRECTOR

The Coalition of Responsibly Aware Parents are worried that about how the term will influence children.

SHIBUE JYOJI

Huh?

DIRECTOR

C.R.A.P. feels that by referring to hair as an item of food, most children will believe that hair is edible and will attack each other's heads in a bloody feeding frenzy.

SHIBUE JYOJI

That's ridiculous.

DIRECTOR

Kids are pretty stupid. The only reason we even bothered writing a plot for this series is for the supposed adult veiwership. But they're probably all horny businessmen and drooling fangirls anyway.

SHIBUE JYOJI

Drooling fangirls?

DIRECTOR

Let's take it from the top. Shibue, why don't you try doing this scene with your shirt off.

SHIBUE JYOJI

...This wasn't in my contract.

Incognito, Jedite races through the halls looking for the missing model.

JEDITE

Is this what I have been reduced to? A mere gopher for human cow meat? Only for Queen Beryl. I apologize to you, my precious Hair. You shall be set free shortly.

(ponders)

Hair, I know you cannot see it at the moment, but I really like this jacket I have been given to wear. It is the most vibrant shade of florescent green. Do you suppose they will let me keep it?

(pauses)

You're right, Hair. I'm evil. I'll just steal it.

Luna sits on the covers of Usagi's bed.

LUNA

You are a senshi! It is your duty to protect the Earth!

USAGI

Sleeping, dreaming, you're not here, la la la la laaaa laaaa!

Luna spits a pink plastic cell phone out of her forehead.

LUNA

When you pull your head out of your ass and get some oxygen to that fried half a brain of yours, give me a call.

USAGI

That's a toy, cat's don't talk, la la la la laaaa laaaa!

LUNA

If you'll excused me, I need to go get completly shitfaced now. If plushies can even get drunk.

Jedite laughs in evil triumph over the unconcious Naru.

KAWABE CHIEKO

Director! The youma just tried to cop a feel!

DIRECTOR

Youma, is that true?

GIANT HAND YOUMA

Gurgle.

DIRECTOR

I understand how you feel, youma. I'm often tempted myself...

KAWABE CHIEKO

...

DIRECTOR

But we're all professionals here, so please keep your hands to yourself.

GIANT HAND YOUMA

Gurgle.

DIRECTOR

Yes, all three. In fact, you're really just hands, so keep yourself to yourself.

Usagi looses her balance and falls flailing right on top of Luna.

LUNA

Gah! Get off of me you fat cow!

USAGI

That's mean! Aren't you supposed to be helpful and supportive for me while I save the world

LUNA

No. I'm supposed to make sure you don't fuck things up again.

USAGI

Again?

LUNA

(performs Jedi Mind Trick paw wave)

You WILL forget about this for the next thirty or forty episodes.

USAGI

But er sparkle...

(drools)

The youma hands fling themselves at the frightened Usagi.

UNCONCIOUS EXTRA 1

AHHH! That thing just groped me!

UNCONCIOUS EXTRA 2

Me too! Director!

DIRECTOR

Youma! What did we just talk about?

GIANT HAND YOUMA

Gurgle.

DIRECTOR

That's it, no more giant CG monsters. We'll try the old standby of people in silly costumes.

GIANT HAND YOUMA

Gurgle?

DIRECTOR

Yes, that does mean you're fired.

Sailor Moon dodges attacks from the youma.

SAILOR MOON

Help me Luna! I don't know what to do!

LUNA

Try FIGHTING it.

SAILOR MOON

I don't know how!

LUNA

Of course you do. You're a senshi.

SAILOR MOON

I don't I don't I don't!

LUNA

IF YOU DON'T START FIGHTING, I'M GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND RIP OPEN YOUR GUT AND PULL OUT YOUR LIVER AND WEAR IT AS A HAT!

Sailor Moon yelps and starts twirling.

LUNA (CONT'D)

(stares)

...that's fighting? I guess her liver would have clashed with my eyes anyway...

SAILOR MOON

Luna! A wand just came out of my breasts! I'm scared!

LUNA

COME OVER RIP GUT LIVER HAT!

SAILOR MOON

...Moon Healing Escalation!

LUNA

Just got to know how to talk to them.

Tuxedo Kamen tackles Sailor Moon as a crystal dagger strikes the floor where she was moments ago.

TUXEDO KAMEN

HAH! Nick of time rescue and I wasn't impaled! BOOYAH!

SAILOR MOON

Huh?

TUXEDO KAMEN

Err, nothing. I was just being dramatic and mysterious and foreshadowing.

SAILOR MOON

Ooooooh. Wow.

Queen Beryl studies a handful of fire.

QUEEN BERYL

A mere child dares to stand in the way of my plans? She shall soon learn the folly of my... GAH!

(studies hand)

Damn acrylics melted again.